I'm Not the Friend I Used to Be: How Caregiving Changed My Relationships

When you're knee-deep in caregiving for a loved one with Alzheimer's or dementia, it can feel like you're living in a parallel universe. While everyone else is going about their daily lives, complaining about traffic or what to make for dinner, you're over here just trying to keep your head on straight. It's like you're speaking a different language, and no one else has the dang dictionary.

I'm not gonna lie; I've felt pretty isolated from my friends since my mom's diagnosis. It's hard to relate to their everyday drama and life experiences when I'm dealing with my mom forgetting who I am, trying to break out of my home, and yelling that her daughter is missing. And if I'm being brutally honest, sometimes I catch myself avoiding certain people because I'm straight-up jealous of their relationship with their mom. I know it's not a pretty truth, but it's the truth. I just don’t have it in me to sometimes to fake niceties even to those I really do love…. and that makes me feel so guilty that if I didn’t avoid them because I was jealous now I’m avoiding because I feel guilty about how I feel.

Watching them laugh and joke with their moms, planning girl's trips and spa days, it's like a punch in the gut. I used to have that, you know? But now, my reality is doctor's appointments, medication schedules, and praying that today is a good day…. and by “good day” I mean that I just hope my Mom doesn’t at least is nice-ish that day. It's a far cry from mimosas and mani-pedis and it makes me want to cry almost every day.

But you know what I've realized? It's okay that my friendships are changing. Heck, my whole life has been flipped upside down since becoming a caregiver. It only makes sense that my relationships would shift too. I've had to learn to be okay with the fact that I won't experience friendships the same way I did before. And yeah, it sucks sometimes. I get tired of feeling like my life is so centered around loss, but some things just are what they are.

But here's the silver lining: I've found my people in the midst of that feeling of disconnect and loss. The ones who get it, who understand the unique hell that is caregiving. I've connected with other caregivers online and let me tell you, it's been a lifeline! These are the people I can ugly cry to (even if just virtually), the ones who don't judge me for wanting to scream into a pillow sometimes or run away. They just get it…. and I get them.

And you know what else? I've made some pretty incredible new friends through this journey. People I never would have crossed paths with before, but who have become my rocks. We may not have the same background or life experiences, but we share the unbreakable bond of caregiving. And that's something special.

So, listen up, my fellow caregivers. If you're feeling like a square peg in a round hole when it comes to your friends and family, I want you to know that I get it. I know how much it stings to watch everyone else living their best lives (or just different lives even if not “better” than yours” while you're elbow-deep in adult diapers, medication schedules, and shower time struggles (if you know, you know!). It's like a constant reminder of how different your life has become, and it's okay to feel a little bitter about it sometimes.

But here's the thing: as much as you might want to crawl into your shell and shut out the world, you can't. Trust me, I've tried. Heck, I still go in and out of this still as someone who copes with stress by wanting to hide. Take it from me though, isolating yourself will only make you feel more alone and misunderstood. Instead, I want us all to do something that might feel scary at first: reach out. Find your people, whether it's through an online support group, a caregiver meetup, or just a friend who's willing to listen. Surround yourself with folks who get it, who can make you laugh even when you feel like crying, and who aren't afraid to sit with you in the heavy moments. Reach out when you’re sad. Reach out when you’re anxious. Reach out when you’re depressed. Reach. Out.

And if some of your relationships start to fade away? Let them. It doesn't mean you're a bad friend or a bad person, and it doesn’t mean that the other person is either. It just means that not everyone is cut out for the realities of caregiving, and that's okay. That, or they don’t fit in this season of your life anymore. Don't waste your energy trying to force something that isn't working. Instead, focus on the people who show up for you, the ones who aren't afraid to get their hands dirty and walk alongside you in this mess.

Because let's be real, caregiving is a beautiful, brutal journey. It's not for the faint of heart, and it sure as hell isn't glamorous. But when you have a solid crew in your corner, people who will stand by you even on your worst days, it makes the load a little lighter. They're the ones who will remind you that you're not alone, even when you feel like you're stranded on Caregiver Island.

So, don't be afraid to lean on your village. Let them love you, support you, and carry you when you feel like you can't take another step. And on the days when you feel like you're losing yourself in the chaos of caregiving, remember that they see you. They see the warrior, the champion, the absolute badass that you are.

And most importantly, don't forget to be kind to yourself. Embrace the changes, even when they hurt like hell. Know that it's okay to grieve the life you had before, and the relationships that have shifted. But also know that you're doing the best you can, and that's enough.

So, keep going, my fellow caregivers. Keep reaching out, keep building your tribe, and keep showing up for yourself. Because together, we can weather any storm that caregiving throws our way. We can find the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even on the days when we feel like we can't. And we can remind each other that even in the darkest moments, we are never, ever alone.